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Hier wieder einer fuers englisch Training!

First grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What do you have in your pants that I do not have in mine?" The principal wondered, why she would ask such a question? Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and A dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Shake hands"
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Fire truck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong."

und aus welchen grund sollte ich englisch lernen oder trainieren
witze san des blöderste wos gibt
wie kann man über so etwas lachen

Bad Humor - The Blue Suit



A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.


The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing".


The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost,



I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend" ?


To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge" he says.


"No really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit" she says.


"Honestly, ma'am", the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice...



... So I just switched heads."

> Der Papst stirbt und kommt an die Himmelstür.
> Petrus begrüßt ihn und fragt nach seinem Namen.
> "Ich bin der Papst!"
> "Papst, Papst", murmelt Petrus. "Tut mir leid, ich habe niemanden mit
> diesem Namen in meinem Buch."
> "Aber ... ich bin der Stellvertreter Gottes auf Erden!"
> "Gott hat einen Stellvertreter auf Erden?" sagt Petrus verblüfft.
> "Komisch, hat er mir gar nichts von gesagt ..."
> Der Papst läuft krebsrot an. "Ich bin das Oberhaupt der Katholischen
> Kirche!!!"
> "Katholische Kirche ... nie gehört", sagt Petrus. "Aber warte mal nen
> Moment, ich frag den Chef."
> Er geht nach hinten in den Himmel und sagt zu Gott: "Du, da ist einer, der
> sagt, er sei dein Stellvertreter auf Erden. Er heißt Papst. Sagt dir das
> was?"
> "Nee", sagt Gott. "Kenn ich nicht. Weiß ich nichts von. Aber warte mal,
> ich frag Jesus. Jeeesus!"
> Jesus kommt angerannt. "Ja, Vater, was gibts?"
> Gott und Petrus erklären ihm die Situation.
> "Moment", sagt Jesus, ich guck mir den mal an. Bin gleich zurück."
> Zehn Minuten später ist er wieder da, Tränen lachend. "Ich fass es nicht",
> japst er. "Erinnert ihr euch an den kleinen Fischerverein, den ich vor
> 2000 Jahren gegründet habe? Den gibt's immer noch!"